Recently I have realized that I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even 2 for that matter. Now most people are thinking to themselves “welcome to the club, what’s the big deal”? The reason this is significant in any way is because most people didn’t know me then, and thus are currently perplexed since I am apparently, to the untrained eye, completely transitory and unpredictable. The truth of the matter is that I have never wanted people to know the real me. I could go into a long drawn-out explanation here highlighting the inadequacies of my childhood, but let’s just move on past that stroll down memory lane. The short version is: it is easier to maneuver around people if they don’t know you, because then they don’t understand you, and thus are unable to prepare a counter-attack or defense against you. Some see this as playing dirty, but I have always thought of it as playing safe. The risk of walking away with any emotional turmoil following a less then pleasant social interaction is greatly reduced if they can’t hurt you.
Now back to the reason I am starting this blog. I recently found out that I have a moderately serious health condition. Not like I will die tomorrow (…well, I suppose I could die tomorrow although not likely from this illness), but enough that I can’t ignore it. Then I started thinking of all the “major life events” I have had in just the last 3 years. It’s a wonder I am even still recognizable as me.
For the first time in my life I really like who I am. This strange person that everyone seems so mystified by is not some new person forged by the trials of life. Rather, this is me not bothering to pretend and hide anymore. Yes, I have changed some. However, more dramatic is the willingness is which I will openly be myself in situations that previously I would not have. Sometimes, I even shock myself into silence. It’s as if these tribulations have tempered what strength was already there and burned away all the chaff.
My purpose behind this blog? An experiment of sorts. As of late I have been having inner montages that I feel the need to share with no one in particular. Also, I feel like my life has been rushing head long towards something. What that is, I have no idea. Hindsight being what it is I would like to document that journey somewhat. I am changing the names of the people in my life for the purpose of this blog. Names are not important anyway, it is the actions and words that are of significance.
So here we go.